Excerpt from a conversation with Mathieu recorded in Ghent, Belgium, July 2, 2019:
A: What did you make of the fairy?
M: I don’t know, I think she was giving me information about either the space or about myself. I don’t really remember.
A: Do you remember feeling like you knew what it meant at the time?
M: Yeah. What she said- yeah, I did understand.
A: I don’t get the feeling that you were scared.
M: No, not at all.
A: Did you tell your friend?
M: I think she noticed I was a bit hyper because she asked me some years later “Were you doing drugs at the time when you were in Scranton? Because you seemed like you were on drugs, like ecstasy or something like that.” I said “No, I was not on drugs, I was just having this.. experience.”
A: But this was during your explosion.
M: This was during the explosion.
A: When you were in New Jersey?
M: And I was in New Jersey.
A: I see. Do you feel like those experiences are more accessible when you are in a state like an explosion?
M: Definitely. Because the more open you are, the more open is your spirit and your channels. So you are more inclined to establish contact with other realms, other than when you’re.. I don’t know, just functioning at the minimum level. And also you will see more things in the woods for example.
M: Like you can see the energetic field of tree for example. Or you can see.. you can see things flying around that are not birds, or.. I remember when I was back in France.. a month in France, a month in Germany.. I went to sleep at a friend’s house and I decided to go through the woods back to the house because the forest in Northern France extends back from her place to my place at the time. So I took a walk through the woods and I remember at some point I saw a bird that I had never seen that looked like a Phoenix. It had a huge tail and I saw it fly like this like.. it looked like a tropical bird but in Northern France so it doesn’t make sense. And the tail was really, really long.. the bird was like this approximately (motions hand) and the tail was that long. And I was really amazed to see that. I was like “Oh my god, something is happening..”
A: Did it lead you anywhere?
M: Um, actually maybe, I think I tried to follow him for some time.
A: Yeah, do you ever follow things like that?
M: YES. Yeah.
A: Physically follow them?
M: Yeah, I do.
A: Have you ever ended up somewhere that has been more illuminating or maybe scary?
M: When I was in Scranton, when I was having this.. explosion.. I used to follow my voice, like I used to have a voice talking to me telling me “Ok, could you please go there, go there, look at that.. go on your right, you’re going find water on your left in 100 meters” that kind of thing. And I remember once he told me: “So, you have to go there. So go there.” So I followed and it was kind of indicating me where I had to go. And I ended up in a small forest kind of really dark and with a strong presence.
A: By the waterfall?
M: Not far from the waterfall. I guess when you went up the waterfall it was next to a clearing or a parking lot. And I entered and I went and at some point I saw kind of a white, amorphous shape..
A: A white.. shape?
M: Mm-hm. Amorphous.
M: Or, maybe like a cube.. kind of a big cube. And I got really, really scared.
A: A BIG CUBE?
M: Mm-hm. Like a big, white cube. On the floor. And I thought.. like I was completely overwhelmed, so I ran back out of the woods, my heart pounding and I was brought back.. directly brought back to my childhood and to the adventures or explorations we had or we were doing with my cousins. Like we used to explore woods or just do adventures and I remember I used to see things that would get me the chills.. like I would really get the chills and I would really get super frightened.
A: What did the things look like? Were they shapes? Or patterns?
M: I don’t remember because.. mm, I can’t tell.
A: This was as a child, as a kid?
M: The cube?
A: Uh, did you see the cube as a kid?
M: No, the cube was in Scranton.
A: It immediately connected you to your childhood?
M: The feeling I had at that time was connected to my childhood because I had the same feelings when we were doing exploration.
A: Ok. But did you see things as a child also?
A: Were they different from the thing you saw in the woods that day?
A: But you don’t remember them?
M: I really have to go back deep into the moment to know them.
A: Shit. You know what is so crazy? Ok you know I was telling you about the Stream of Jewels the other day and getting it through studying psychology and this therapy program.. getting more in touch with.. or revisiting very early memories of my own childhood? And one of the.. I had this.. it was almost this Stream of Jewels visual experience that I would have before falling asleep after rubbing my eyes.. it was this kind ecstatic version of the same thing. That was once again a sort of.. these polarities.. but that was one version, and on the other end I would get these… did you ever have.. night terrors.. did you ever have these as a kid?
M: Mmm.. maybe. But go on.
A: So I would have this very special experience where I had access to this really special world, and on the other hand I would also have these night terrors where I would hallucinate and I would see things. One of them.. was a giant black cube! And it was fucking horrifying.
M: Ohhh, oh! That is horrifying.
A: It was horrifying! It would come into my bedroom. I would see it in my bedroom and I remember waking up and sobbing and the only way I could describe it and my parents remember me saying to them when I had this vision.. was that I ruined Christmas. And in my mind now I sort of associate it with coal and even like the Santa performance.. it was like.. I think it’s sort of connected to this unwritten theory that I’m building, that all of these really, really intense early experiences and visual vocabulary I developed- or experienced- as a child was somehow indicative of things I would later experience as an adult. So, they were omens in a way. But also it’s interesting you used the word “explosion” for your experience in Scranton because I feel like.. the way your birth can also be indicative of how you operate in the world.. I had that kind of explosive way of existing as a really young person. I felt like everything was raging inside all the time and it’s become more diffuse as I’ve gotten older. It’s become less intense since I’ve gotten older, but.. I guess that’s how a lot people (laughing) experience life anyway! Everything is more intense when you’re young.. and when you’re really young everything is so vivid. So I’m sure it has to do with being hypersensitive but.. oh my god.. when you said that white cube! That’s one of the things I.. it’s a very important image to me in terms of my psycho-spiritual, visual vocabulary.
M: But I think the black cube is much more frightening than the white cube because I can see kind of in my mind what you could have seen.
A: I can remember the feeling.
M: It was so massive.
A: It was horrifying.
A: Yeah. I’m gonna get another wine. Do you want anything?
M: I have enough.